Useless forwards and whatever

janhit me jari..

2009-04-29T05:24:00.001-07:00

One paragraph that explains life!

2009-03-14T23:44:00.000-07:00

English in China

2009-03-14T23:43:00.001-07:00

China is the place to be for English copywriters

WELCOME FOR COMING!?

The Key to Existence is pushing!

Duh…?

I wont......
Promise....
But where r u?

CHILDREN MADE IN CHINA !

Have a careful suicide....

I'm NOT going to pay to trim the foot.

Still din't understand?....Neither did I......(May be an accident prone area).

Data Breaker ?!?!?!

Bottled water in a can?

I m going down pressing my head up......

Looks like one.....

Okay......

Sorry i can't treasure the used one.....Really can't…!!!

Isko koi suli pe chadha do yaar...

image016.jpg

R THEY UR RELATIVES???? NICE TO MEET THEM......

Thanx for the Suggestion…!!!

Yes I WILL…..!!! (Specially CHINESE….. JJ )

Died on the table? Thanks 4 ur Corporation..!!!

Vehicle number plates from Ahmednagar

2009-03-14T23:29:00.000-07:00

2008-05-30T11:35:00.001-07:00

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an "F" in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6.'"
"But that's right!" The father replied.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What the heck's the stupid difference?" asked the father.
"That's what I said!"

The Elephant

2008-05-30T11:20:00.000-07:00

This is truly an amazing story...

A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.

While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could, he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenage son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, severely injuring him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant...

2008-05-30T11:02:00.001-07:00

Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married.
So Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage. "Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this is cute.

"Well," said Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us."

"And how will you live?" "I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That should be enough."

Getting exasperated since Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"

"Well," said Johnny, "we've been lucky so far."

2008-05-29T01:50:00.001-07:00

A gas station in Punjab was trying to increase its sales, so the owner
put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local Sardar Bantasingh pulled in, filled his tank, and then
asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to
10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The sardar
then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number
was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same sardar, along with a buddy, Santasingh, pulled
in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor
again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct
number.

The sardar guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it
was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were
driving away, the sardar said to his buddy, "I think that game is
rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Santasingh replied, "No it ain't, Bantasingh. It ain't rigged --- my
wife won twice last week!!

2008-05-27T01:41:00.000-07:00

A friend gives a barrel full of FEVICOL to his friend on his birthday.
What does this friend who receive the gift sing ???
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Dushman na kare dost ne ye kaam kiya hai
Umra bhar ka gham (gum) hame inaam diya hai........

2008-05-26T11:40:00.001-07:00

Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Orkut virus

2007-07-09T00:16:00.000-07:00

A new virus not so new infact called W32.USBWorm is preventing users from accessing sites like Mozilla Firefox, Orkut and YouTube.

I read about it today. May be this is the reason why you are not being able to access orkut and your boss is ;)

People, who use Orkut are worst affected. They get a link saying something about Orkut. Once they click on that link, the virus affects the system immediately. When the user tries to get into Orkut, a pop-up message is flashed, "Orkut has banned you fool. The administrators didn't write this program guess who did?" That followed by a devil's laugh, which closes the web page window.

Unfortunately, the powerful anti-virus software like Norton, Avast and McAfee failed to detect the virus.

Most users had to format their hard disk to get rid of the virus. Some people used Windows XP's System Restore facility to terminate the virus. You can follow the given solutions to remove the Virus from your system:

Press Ctrl+Alt+Del to open Task Manager.

Then click on the Process tab.

Delete the SVChost.exe file that comes with system's user name.

Ignore the warning messages while doing that.

Go to C:/Heap41a using RUN option and delete the contents of the folder.

- Now you will be able to use Orkut without any hassles.

Common lines after people get drunk...

2007-06-16T23:21:00.000-07:00

1. Tu to Mera bhai hai...
2.You know i am not drunk...
3. Gaadi mai Chalaunga...
5. Tu bura mat manana bhai...
6. Mai teri Dil Se Izzat Karta hu...
7. Abe bol daal aaj usko, aar yaa paar....
8. Aaj saali Chad nahi rahi hai kya bat hai...
9. Tu Kya samajh raha hai mujhe chad gayi hai...
10. Ye mat samajh ki piye me bol raha hu...
11.Abe yaar kahin kam to nahi padegi itnee...
12. Chhote, Ek Ek Chhota aur ho Jae...
13. Baap ko mat Sikha.
14. Yaar magar tune mera dil tod diya...
15. Kuchh bhi hai par saala Bhai hai Apna...
16. Tu Bolna Bhai, kya chahiye...Jaan chahiye hazir hai ???
17.Abe mere ko aaj tak nahi Chadee...shart laga saala aaj tu..
18. Chal teri baat karata hoon usse, phone number de uska...

Kitne aadmi thee

2007-06-16T23:16:00.000-07:00

GABBAR: Kitne admi they?
Kaliya: Sardar 2
Gabbar: Mujhe ginti nahin aati, 2 kitne hote hain?
Kaliya: Sardar 2, 1 ke baad aata hai
Gabbar: Aur 2 ke pehle?
Kaliya: 2 k pehle 1 aata hai.
Gabbar: To beech mein kaun ata hai?
Kaliya: Beech mein koi nahi aata>
Gabbar: To phir dono ek saath kyun nahin aate?
Kaliya: 1 k baad hi 2 aa sakta hai, kyun ki 2, 1 se bada hai.
Gabar: 2, 1 se kitna bada hai?Kaliya: 2, 1 se 1 bada hai.
Gabbar: Agar 2, 1 se 1 bada hai to 1, 1 se kitna bada hai?Kaliya: Sardar maine aapka namak khaya hai, mujhe goli maar do

Interesting moral of the story

2007-06-16T23:15:00.001-07:00

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand Dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row too expensive and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that.....
He had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and
They Went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man.

"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, " South Carolina ."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina ." "I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's Attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The Moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Smart kid smart dad

2007-06-16T23:11:00.000-07:00

Man walks into a drug store with his 9-year old son.
They happen to walkby the condom display, and the boy
(who obviously knows the answer, but wants to know if his dad will give him a proper answer or not) asks,
"What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies,
"Those are called condoms,son....Men use them to have safe sex."
Oh I see," replied the boys pensively.
"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,
"Why arethere 3 in this package."The Dad replies,
"Those are for high school boys.
One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for collegeboys." the dad answers,
"TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy,
"then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men.
One forJanuary, one for February, one for March........"

Management lesson

2007-05-05T04:08:00.000-07:00

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight,built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"

The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not? "

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass ."

Management Lesson: "Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one."

Coincidence

2007-05-04T12:19:00.000-07:00

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and my last batch of hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

" What a coincidence," she said

Building Your House

2007-04-18T21:38:00.000-07:00

An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house-building business to live a more leisurely life with his wife and enjoy his extended family. He would miss the paycheck each week, but he wanted to retire. They could get by.

The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go & asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but over time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end a dedicated career.

When the carpenter finished his work, his employer came to inspect the house. Then he handed the front-door key to the carpenter and said, "This is your house... my gift to you."

The carpenter was shocked!

What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently.

So it is with us.
We build our lives, a day at a time, often putting less than our best into the building. Then, with a shock, we realize we have to live in the house we have built. If we could do it over, we would do it much differently.
But, you cannot go back. You are the carpenter, and every day you hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a wall. Someone once said, "Life is a do-it-yourself project." Your attitude, and the choices you make today, help build the "house" you will live in tomorrow. Therefore, Build wisely!

Agloco - The New Paid to Surf Network

2007-04-13T12:03:00.000-07:00

Agloco - The New Paid to Surf Network
The founders of Alladvantage have launched its new advertising network - AGLOCO - acronym for A GLObal COmmunity. Members who join the network are encouraged to refer more members as Agloco offers up to 5 levels affiliate system. So members even get paid if someone surf the web and is 5 levels down the line of referral.
New York, NY (PRWeb) November 29, 2006 -- The founders of Alladvantage have launched its new advertising network - AGLOCO - acronym for A GLObal COmmunity. Alladvantage was founded in 1999 by Jim Jorgensen, Johannes Pohle, Carl Anderson, and Oliver Brock. The company operated for over two years before becoming a victim of the burst of the internet bubble. During this period Alladvantage generated nearly $200 Million in venture capital and ended up paying out over $120 Million to its members.
The principle of agloco is based on viral marketing. Members who join the network are encouraged to refer more members as Agloco offers up to 5 levels affiliate system. So members even get paid if someone surf the web and is 5 levels down the line of referral. Perhaps the best incentive for Agloco referral system is that members become the owner of the company as the more people they refer the more shares they get in the company. In the near future, Agloco has plans for an initial public offering of stock to be traded on the London Stock Exchange AIM.
The company site states: "We create a formidable online consumer network, one which all companies which do business on the internet will want to talk to. This time though, whatever they pay to have access to you or have you use their services, you get your share of the money generated."
Agloco has designed an advance toolbar-sized application that is half the size of a traditional Windows tool bar. This viewbar will not interfere with surfers browsing experience - there is no pop-up and no adware.
To find more about the new paid to surf network :

Visit: http://www.agloco.com/r/BBBZ0481

Laloo

2007-04-06T11:43:00.000-07:00

Once Laloo was coming out of Airport. As there was huge rush thesecurity guard told Laloo "WAIT PLEASE" for which Laloo replied "65Kgs" and moved on...

Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and LasVegas. So he called up the Tourist department and asked them "Ji..could you tell me the time difference between Patna and Las Begas...". The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.

Laloos family planning policy.."DONT HAVE MORE THAN TWO CHILDREN IN ONE YEAR" At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE."And the man's companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."

After having resigned as the CM of Bihar, Laloo decides to go modelling. Once he enters the herd of buffaloes and resting his elbows on the back of the cattle he poses for the photo. Next day the photo appears frontpage of a newspaper.

GUESS THE CAPTION !! "Laloo, third from left!"

Laloo Prasad Yadav was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development to Bihar. The Japanese Emissary was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very inefficient," hestated. "Give me three days and I will turn Japan into the next Bihar!"

Blonde Humor

2007-04-05T22:35:00.000-07:00

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.They tried and tried to get the door open, but they just couldn't! The blonde with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath.
The other blonde said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

Funny Telegrams

2007-03-28T12:14:00.000-07:00

TELEGRAM #1: A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as: "father, your daughter has been successful in BED."

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TELEGRAM #2 A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife: "I wish you were here." The message received by wife: "I wish you were her."

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TELEGRAM #3 A wife with near maturing pregnan! Cy goes to railway station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as: "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave
birth to an old lady."

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TELEGRAM #4 A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says: Let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better". The salesman asks, "How do you want me to put it?" The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "! You are getting better" at the bottom. The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake: "You are not getting older at the top, you are getting better at the bottom".

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TELEGRAM #5 A man from Agra went to Ajmer. His wife was in her parent's house in Delhi . When the man went to Ajmer, he asked his servant to send a telegram to his wife indicating about his trip to Ajmer. He sent a telegram. When the wife received the telegram, she fainted. It was written: 'Sethji aaj mar ! Gaye! (Sethji Ajmer gaye )

Men's Logic

2007-03-28T11:10:00.000-07:00

A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case.

The Problem was who should get custody of the child.

The wife screamed and jumped up and said: "Your Honor. I brought The child into the world with all the pain and labor.

The child Should be in my custody. "

The judge turned to the husband and said: "What do you have to Say in your defense?"

The man sat for a while contemplating...then slowly rose. "Your Honor... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi Comes out...

Whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine ?"

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India - pakistan at world cup 2007

2007-03-28T11:04:00.000-07:00

2007-03-27T09:49:00.000-07:00

CEO ENVELOPES
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation.
The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope.
The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO.
Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

Gates of Heaven

2007-03-27T09:41:00.000-07:00

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."

Possible future jobs for Indian Cricket Squad

2007-03-27T09:13:00.000-07:00

Guru Greg Chappel

Dada- Saurav Ganguli

Doodh wala Viru - Virendra sewhag

Dhoni

Tendulkar

India 's Next four matches

2007-03-27T08:57:00.000-07:00

April 2: India vs More Vidyalaya
April 5: India vs Bishop's Highschool
May 3: India vs Cummins Ladies College

May 5: India vs Shamrao Kalmadi Primary school (I std to 5th std)

Dravid: Its tough time for us. But we will do the Best... Our first aim to Defeat the Shamrao Kalmadi primary school, because lot of players are young and energetic...

2007-03-24T12:29:00.000-07:00

Boss to four of his employees:
"- I'm really sorry but I'm going to have let one of you go."
Black employee: - "I'm a protected minority"
Female employee:- "And I am a woman"
Oldest employee: - "Fire me,buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin"
To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay...".

Corporate Strategies

2007-03-21T02:37:00.000-07:00

2007-03-19T05:13:00.000-07:00

MOPED is the short term for 'Motorized Pedaling'.

POP MUSIC is 'Popular Music' shortened.

BUS is the short term for 'Omnibus' that means everybody.

FORTNIGHT comes from 'Fourteen Nights' (Two Weeks).

DRAWING ROOM was actually a 'withdrawing room' where people withdrew after Dinner. Later the prefix 'with' was dropped.

NEWS refers to information from four directions N, E, W and S.

AG-MARK, which some products bear, stems from 'Agricultural Marketing'.

Alternative to Surgery

2007-03-18T03:34:00.000-07:00

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayz man, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5,"at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania

Cricket

2007-03-18T03:30:00.000-07:00

Q. What do Geraint Jones and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. They both wear gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An English batsman applying sunscreen.

Q. What does Ashley Giles put in his hands to make sure the next ball almost always takes a wicket?
A. A bat.

Q. What would Glen McGrath be if he was an Englishman?
A. An all-rounder.

Q. What advantage do Kevin Pieterson, Andrew Strauss and Geraint Jones have over the rest of their team-mates?
A. At least they can say they're not really English.

Q. What is the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

Q. What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by English batsmen?
A. The walk back to the pavilion.

Q. Who has the easiest job in the English squad?
A. The guy who removes the red ball marks from the bats.

Q. Why is Andrew Flintoff the unluckiest English player?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?
A. Another Sad Horrific English Series.

Q. What's the English version of LBW?
A. Lost, Beaten, Walloped.

Q. Who spends the most time on the crease of anyone in the English team?
A. The person who ironed the cricket whites.

Think Like A Woman

2007-03-18T03:27:00.000-07:00

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her purse, extracted twenty dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No. I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked

"No. I don"t waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven"t had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I"m not going to give you the money. Instead, I"m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and myself tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won"t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I"m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. Its important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

Men or Women are good friends

2007-03-18T03:07:00.000-07:00

Women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment overnight. The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.

Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment overnight. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!

Conclusion:Men are better friends

101 Stupendous Pick Up Lines and others

2007-03-18T02:37:00.000-07:00

1. Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
2. Is your daddy a theif? Then who stole the sparkle of the stars and put them into your eyes?
3. Will you go out with me?………. to McDonald’s? +
4. Can I flirt with you?
5. Blonde, James Blonde… Jr. =
6. I looked up the word BEAUTIFUL in the thesaurus taday, and your name was included.
7. I’ve had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So…
would you please smile for me?
8. Hey, somebody farted. Lets get out of here!
9. You’ve got the whitest teeth I have ever seen!
10. Excuse me, but what pick up line works best for you?
11. Hi, what’s a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?
12. Hi, can I buy you a car?
13. Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can I please borrow yours?
14. Do you have a boyfriend?
No?! Well do you want one?
Oh, you do? Well, when you want a MANfriend, come talk to me!
15. Can I have directions?… to your heart?
16. For a minute there I thought I had died and gone to heaven, but now I realize that I am very much alive, and that heaven has been brought to me.
17. Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?
18. Hey, don’t I know you? Yah, you’re that girl with the beautiful smile!
19. You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You’re making the other women look really bad.
20. Hi, you’re cute!
21. Hi, are you legal? No, your to hot to be legal.
22. I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
23. You know, girls like you give guys like me a reason to live.
24. Even the word Chicka-mama doesn’t describe you! -
25. Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
26. Nice socks, can I try them on? +
27. Can I carry your books?
28. Your father must be a drug dealer, cuz you dope!
29. Your father must be an alien, because there’s nothing else like you on earth!
30. Your dad must be an awsome baker, because you have rad buns!
31. You know, if I could rearange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.
32. Out of curiosity, were you born on a plane? cuz baby, you’re FLY!
33. Hey, what are the chances of a guy like me, picking up a girl like you? +
34. Hi, do you dig guys who use cheesy pick up lines? +
35. Hi, will you reject me if I try and pick you up? +
36. I advise you to surrender imediately or I’ll have to use a pick up line. -
37. If I had hand-cuffs, I’d lock myself to you right now! -
38. It’s a good thing I brought my gloves today, other wise you’d be too hot to handle! -
39. Yesterday, I found this magic lamp and I asked the genie to let you to fall in love with me… did it work? -
40. Is your name Gellete? cuz your the best a man can get.
41. So I heard you got the hots for me!
42. Hey, I know you, yah, you’re that girl in the supermarket looking for the jamacan banana! +
43. That’s amazing! You’re eyes are the exact same color as my porche!
44. Are you tired? cuz you’ve been running around in my mind all day!
45. I know milk does a body bood, but how much have you been drinking?!!!!!
46. Are those space pants? cuz your legs are out of this world!
47. It’s a good thing I have my library card, because I’m checkin’ you out!
48. Hey good lookin’, what’s cookin’?
49. See these arms? They are just dying to be wrapped around you! +
50. Reproducing, eh? Mind if I help? (ya kinda need to be at a copy maching for this one)
51. Do you mind if I stare at you up close, instead of from across the room?
52. Hey baby, got any cavities?
53. If I asked you…… would you marry me? +
54. I got a word for you in my secret language, it’s Chicka-mama! -
55. I’ll see you later, I have to pick up my new porche.
56. Are you a model? =
57. Do you want to come over? My mom wants to be the first one to meet the girl of my dreams! +
58. I’m a stud, not a dud! =
59. Hey, I’m writing a love letter to you, how exactly do you spell BEAUTIFUL? +
60. My heart combination is LOVE! =
61. Wanna get married in the temple? (you sort of have to be Mormons to use this one)
62. My pits say, you smell good! =
63. If it startd to rain, would you come under my unbrella? +
64. Hey, is it hot in here, or it that just you?
65. Am I hot or what?
66. You are beautiful in every language! +
67. If beauty were measured in seconds, you’d be an hour!
68. I thought I’d come over and say hello before you caught me staring.
69. Was it love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
70. So are you ever going to talk to me, or were you just going to continue to stare?
71. You have the academic look I just lust after.
72. You’re cute! Mind if I use you so I can impress my friends?
73. Can I buy you a soda, or do you just want the money?
74. I’ve got a thirst baby, and you smell like my Gatoraid!
75. Nice boots, want a meaningful relationship?
76. What? Do you want one of us to come over there and bite you are something?
77. Hey, I’m bored. Entertain me and I’ll buy you a root beer.
78. You look like the type of girl that has heard every line in the book, so what’s one more?
79. Hi, the voices in my head tole me to come over and talk to you.
80. Hi, all my friend call me sheldon. +
81. Hey, I’m in a rock band! +
82. Hey honey, I got money!
83. Are you Sweadish? cuz you’re the sweetish girl I’ve met!
- or - cuz you’re the sweetish fish in the sea!
84. Excuse me, but you owe me a soda! cuz when i saw how beautiful you were, I dropped mine.
85. How are you? [”Fine”] Darn right you are.
86. My name is Peter Pan, cuz I can take you to Never Never Land.
87. I’m gonna follow you home.
88. You are a cruel thief, cuz you stole my heart!
89. If I followed you home, would you keep me?
90. Do you have a map? I just keep getting lost in your eyes.
91. Are you O.K.? because it’s a long fall from heaven.
92. I’m sorry, I’m an artist and it’s my job to stare at beautiful women!
93. Hey, I’m a professional wrestler, can I get ya in a headlock? Don’t worry, I get paid to do this! +
94. I know I don’t look like much now, but I’m drinking milk.
95. What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
96. You must be from Tennassee! Because you are the only TEN I see!
97. Yo baby, gimme yo digits! +
98. You know what I think? I think that it is about time you stop ignoring me. Let’s say we engage in a meaningless conversation… +
99. Hey, can you do me a HUGE favour!? Ask me on a date in front of my friend over there? +
100. Do you alway wear your shoes over your socks?
101. See my friend over there? (he waves sheepishly from afar) Well, he wants to know if you think I’m cute!

32 lines to get sugar

1. I bet you a dollar I can kiss you without touching you. (kiss) Here’s your dollar.
2. Hey, what would you do if I kissed you right now?!!
3. Hey, normaly I charge girls when they kiss me, but for you I’ll make an exeption. -
4. Kiss me if I’m wrong but haven’t we met before?
5. Wanna get some pizza and KISS?… No!? you don’t like pizza?!!
6. So hey, I hear you’re a great kisser. +
7. Do you like peanut butter? Do you want to kiss?
8. Do you want to play spin the bottle? Come on! +
9. Did you know that kissing prolongs life? +
10. Doesn’t this musick make you want to kiss? +
11. My friend bet me ten bucks you wouldn’t kiss me, so lets say I give you half and you do.
12. Do you want to dance? No?! Then I guess kissing is out of the question, eh?
13. If I were elvis, would you kiss me?
14. Here’s the deal, give me a kiss and if I don’t like it, I swear I’ll give you a full refund. +
15. If you kiss me, I promise to stop bugging you.
16. Hey baby, how about some kissing lessons? I’m a professional amateur! ^+
17. Yo mama, how about some lip wrestling? ^
18. Is it cold in here, or are you just afraid to kiss me? +
19. If I was the last man on Earth, I bet you would kiss me in public!
20. Hey, you wanna know what I heard about you? Kiss me and I’ll tell you.
21. Hey, my lips can dance just as good as me! let’s kiss! +
22. i’m usually better looking! give me a kiss and i’ll turn into a prince!
23. hugs are for wusses, give me a kiss! +
24. i’ll give you 10 bucks if you kiss me right now in front of my friend over there!
25. Do you believe in obeying the scriptures? read this… (2 corinthians 13:12) +
26. hey girls, each of you pick a number between 1 & 100. you win! (kiss the girl who’s the hottest and run) +%
27. Didn’t anyone tell you that you wanted to kiss me?!?! I thought you knew???
28. Kiss me if I am wrong, but you want to go out with me, don’t you…
29. Kiss me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your name… ?
30. Hi, I’m not trying to pressure you, I don’t want to kiss without mutual consent; but by the way, you have my consent, don’t worry!
31. My lips are registered weapons. Watch out, cuz your on my wanted list!
32. I am a magical being, I command you to kiss me. NOW! (stretch your arms out and wiggle your fingers)

Even More Pick Up Lines

1) Hello, you caught my attention but I’m in the middle of a conversation with an old friend of mine. Let me buy you a soda now, and I’ll be back in a few minutes because I’d really like to meet you!
2) Hey baby, wanna wrestle? +
3) I’m not Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you like!
4) I’d walk a million miles to see one of your smiles.
5) Hey, if i wistled at you, would you stop and talk to me??? +
6) You can’t be sisters! That’s not fair to the rest of the family trees to have 2 peices of fruit as beautiful as you. +
7) Hey, how old do you think i am? +
Hey, can i write a song about you? I will call it, “to the love of my life… you are so beautiful!” +
9) Hey, can i butt into your personal life? +
10) Do you think i have a chance with you? +
11) Hey, what’s your name? Wow! Did you know what the ancient greek translation for your name is? Your name means… “Godess of Beauty!” +
12) Did you want to go out with me, or do you just get a kick out of playing hard to get? +
13) Hey, my email address is: “sheldon@studly_and_available.com”. +
14) Hey, can i buy you some flowers? +
15) Hey babalicious, are you chewable… i mean available? +
16) Are your hands cold? +
17) Wanna see my socks? +
18) Do you have even the slightest idea of how beautiful you are? +
19) Do you always have to look this good?! You are driving me bananas! +
20) I bit the last girl who turned “me” down! +
21) Why are you ignoring me? You haven’t said a word to me all day! +
22) (Give them a flower) “I just wanted to show this flower how beautiful you are!”
23) Hey, my dentist says i have perfect theeth! (you need milk duds caught in your teeth for this one to work!) +
24) Who are you waiting for? … are you sure you aren’t waiting for me??? +
25) It’s girls like you that make days like this, all the more beautiful! +
26) So uh, … what um… are you, uh… doing on uhm… you know … like on Saturday night?
27) Would you like to help me with my self esteem?
28) I am looking for someone with a good head on their shoulders. I just hate necks.
29) Excuse me, but … would you like to see my collection of curly nose hairs?
30) Are you religious? Good, because I’m the answer to your prayers.
31) Are those space pants??? Because your buns are out of this world!
32) Do you want to dance? No? NO! i said you look fat in those pants!
33) Achoo! Sorry, i must be alergic to your good looks!
34) If beauty were a drop of water, you’d be an ocean!
35) Man, you sure are easy on the eyes!
36) You’re walkin’ like you want a boyfriend! so… want one?
37) Hey, open your mouth! i just want to see if you are as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside! +
38) do you have stars on your underwear? becuase your butt is out of this world!
39) Your good looks are lethal! you’re killing me! +
40) Do you have a license to kill? becuase your good looks are killing me! +
41) Even if you were a cactus, i would still want to hug you! +
42) So hey, your friend told me you got the hots for me… i think she’s right! +
43) Hey, here’s the signals: thumbs up it’s good, thumbs down it’s bad. here’s the plan: you stay right here, don’t take off on me! i’m gonna go over there behind that bush, and when you see me pop my head out, give me the signal wether you would go on a date with me or not, k? see you soon! +
44) hey, wanna hold the preisthood?
45) i get so frustrated when hot chicks like you only look as far as the surface, cant you see my inner beauty??? +
46) i dont have time for long goodbyes… so here. (hug and run!)%
47) i dont have time for those lame cheezy pickuplines, so i’ll just say your one hot mama! %+
48) quick call 9-11, ther’s about to be a crime committed (hug and run) hug and run, hug and run! +
49) sorry for what i’m about to do. (hug and run)%
50) i hope you dont take any offence to this but… (hug and run)%
51) whats your name? oh thats nice, i’ll probly never see you again, so… (hug and run)+%
52) pick a number between 1 and 101. (say the pick up line they choose) +
53) wanna see a magic trick? i can dissapear real fast, watch! close your eyes… (hug and run) +
54) hey wanna go on a date? (put a date on ground, pick her up in your arms [pick a hot chick, preferably skinny] and stand on the date.) how long do you want to be on this date for? +
55) ever since i was a kid, my mom has taught me the importance of household chores, the most useful chore she ever taught me was how to sweep. because now as i’ve gotten older… and wiser, i can now sweep girls off there feet! (pick up the girl but do not drop her) +
56) you’re lucky good looks dont start fires, becuase you could burn down a forest! +
57) i’m gonna cry, quick, hold me! ha ha ha +
58) hey, i’ve got something for you (when they open there hand, hold it)
59) you are too pretty for words!
60) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
61) Hey you’re in my seat!
62) Do you have any raisins?’
“No I don’t.”
‘You don’t have any raisins? Well then, how about a date?’
63) I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting. Let’s meet sometime.
64) Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
65) Hey, if I wistled at you, would you stop and talk to me? +
66) Hey, lucky you… it’s National Hug Day! (hug and run) +
67) If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.
68) My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love!
69) So there you are! I’ve been looking all over for YOU, the girl of my dreams!
70) Stand still so I can pick you up!
71) Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I’ve been touched by an angel?
72) Wouldn’t we look cute on a wedding cake together?
73) [Grab her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
74) Your eyes are blue, like the ocean. And baby, I’m lost at sea
75) Your name must be Mickey because your so fine.
76) You’re daddy must be a hunter because he sure caught a fox!
77) Can you say constantinople backwards? Me neither, but I just wanted to ask. (elponitnatsnoc)
78) Can you spell ICUP? “I-C-U-P” You saw me pee?!?!? (laugh profusely)
79) I am very, very lonely, and I was wonderin’…
80) would you like to help me with my self esteam?
81) would you go on a date with me sometime?
82) You are just truly absolutely beautiful!
83) If you were a booger I’d pick you first.
84) Your name is Sandra, huh? Can I call you Sandy? Really? what’s your phone number, and what time can I call? are you sure boys are allowed to call you???
85) Are my undies showing? “No.” Would you like them to?
86) Hey, are you one of those chicks who goes out with guys right off the bat? ‘Cause that’s what I’m looking for.
87) Congratulations! You’ve been voted “Most Beautiful Girl In This Room” and the grand prize is a date with me!
88) Hey, I need your help! My mom says that if I don’t get a date by tomorrow, she’s putting me up for adoption! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease…
89) Hey, check these out! (flex your bicepts) +
90) Your hands look cold. Do you want me to warm them up?
91) Girl, you so fine! I wish I could plant you and grow a hole field of you!
92) Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
93) I think I can die happy now, ‘cause I’ve just seen a piece of heaven.
94) Baby, you’re so sweet, you gonna put Hershey’s outta business!
95) I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.
96) Is it hot in here or is it just you?
97) Nice to meet you, I’m Sheldon and you’re Gorgeous!
98) You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.
99) So, what do you do for a living besides making guys excited and warm all over?
100) Were your parents Greek Gods? ’cause it takes two Gods to make a Goddess!
101) What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
102) What’s that on your face? Oh, must just be beauty… Here, let me get it off. Hey, it’s not coming off???
103) Ya know, you are really hot! You must be the real reason for global warming.
104) Excuse me, but you have a beep on your nose. “What?” (Reach up and gently squeeze her nose) BEEP!
105) Hi, my name is Sheldon, how do you like me so far?
106) Chicks dig me. I wear colored undywear.
107) Hey, wanna take me out for ice cream sometime??? +
108) Hey, you’re the cosine of an isosolece triangle and i’m a tangent on the same side of the transversal! +
109) i’m gonna put this blind fold on, ok? and now i’m gonna sing you a song, and if you are still standing (or sitting) there when i’m done singing and I take the blind fold off, then that means that either you like my singing, or else you think i’m a hot stud and you want a date with me. ok, here I go… today i’m gonna be singing, “someone’s in the kitchen with Dina”

2007-03-18T02:34:00.000-07:00

A team of young budding Managers were given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So the Managers discussed and put up a project plan with roles and responsibilities. The Manager who was responsible for organizing the resources went out and got a ladder and a tape.

The tape measure was just the ordinary tape of 6 feet.

The lead manager assigned another manager to go on top of the pole and start the measure. They were falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just a mess.

An Engineer came along and saw what they’ were trying to do. He walked over pulled the flagpole out of the ground, laid it flat, measured it from end to end, gave the measurement to one of the managers and walked away.

After the Engineer went away, one manager turns head to another and laughs.

“Isn’t that just like an engineer? We’re looking for height and he gives the length”

Moral: No matter how good(an) engineer you are, Manager always finds fault in you

Best little convent in Texas

2007-03-18T02:30:00.000-07:00

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his ey! e. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on
without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real! Then
he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS ! HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On
the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign
next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested
in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
"Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin
cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the
cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this
hallway." He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second
nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it
shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back
in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.
FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!

2007-03-12T04:32:00.000-07:00

Rajiv and Mona are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system,
the Captain announces,"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.
Luckily, Isee an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on thebeach.
However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on theisland. An hour later Rajiv turns to his wife and asks, "Mona, did we pay ourRs 5lakh deposit cheque yet to ICICI Bank?" "No, sweetheart," she responds.
Rajiv, still shaken from the crash landing,
then asks, "Mona, did wepay our ICICI Bank Master card yet?"
"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.
"One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan to them too this month?" he asks."
Oh, forgive me, Rajiv," begged Mona. "I didn't send that one, either.
"Rajiv grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 40 years.
Mona pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you hug me?"

Rajiv answers, "They'll find us!"

2007-03-12T04:03:00.000-07:00

I recently joined AGLOCO because of a friend recommended it to me. I am now promoting it to you because I like the idea and I want you to share in what I think will be an exciting new Internet concept.
AGLOCO's story is simple:
Do you realize how valuable you are? Advertisers, search providers and online retailers are paying billions to reach you while you surf. How much of that money are you making? NONE!
AGLOCO thinks you deserve a piece of the action.
AGLOCO collects money from those companies on behalf of its members. (For example, Google currently pays AOL 10 cents for every Google search by an AOL user. And Google still has enough profit to pay $1.6 billion dollars for YouTube, an 18-month old site full of content that YouTube's users did not get paid for!
AGLOCO will work to get its Members their share of this and more.
AGLOCO is building a new form of online community that they call an Economic Network. They are not only paying Members their fair share, but they're building a community that will generate the kind of fortune that YouTube made. But instead of that wealth making only a few people rich, the entire community will get its share.
What's the catch? No catch - no spyware, no pop-ups and no spam - membership and software are free and AGLOCO is 100% member owned. Privacy is a core value and AGLOCO never sells or rents member information.
So do both of us a favor: Sign up for AGLOCO right now! If you use this link to sign up, I automatically get credit for referring you and helping to build AGLOCO. http://www.agloco.com/r/BBBZ0481

2007-03-12T04:00:00.000-07:00

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell
for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He told,"First
they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of
nails for another hour.

Then The German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He checks out
the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.

He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of
people waiting to get in.

Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He told, "First they put you in an
electric chair for an hour.

Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the Indian devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day." "But
that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many
people waiting to get in?"

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,someone
has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt
servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the
canteen!!!!!!

2007-03-11T01:31:00.000-08:00

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

The next day, he brought a small sign that

Read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

" Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

2007-03-08T00:44:00.000-08:00

VERY PROUD TO BE BRITISH BECAUSE...

Only in Britain...

* can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
* do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
* do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
* do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
* do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
* do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
* are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION...

* 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
* 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
* 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
* 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
* 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
* British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
* 101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
* 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a ligher cigarette in their mouth.
* A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A & E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
* 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
* and finally.........
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

2007-03-07T23:26:00.000-08:00

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,

"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey son, May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

(Can you think of the reason.........?
Think Think ...)

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Well.........
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"

35 Things you may not know about Sachin !

2007-03-06T01:05:00.000-08:00

35 Things you may not know about Sachin !

1. Named after legendary music director Sachin Dev Burman by his father.

2. Grew his hair and tied a band around it to copy his idol John McEnroe. Was called McEnroe by his friends. Admires Boris Becker, Pete Sampras and Diego Maradona.

3. Wanted to be a tearing fast bowler and even went to the MRF Pace Academy but head coach Dennis Lillee asked him to concentrate on his batting.

4. Has scored big runs on Indian festivals like Gokulashtmi, Raksha Bandhan, Holi and Diwali.

5. Loved to have i-can-eat-more-vada-pavas-than-you competitions with cricket buddies Vinod Kambli and Salil Ankola.

6. A foodie who loves sea food. Co-owns a restaurant.

7. Sydney Cricket ground is his favourite ground.

8. Loves Kishore Kumar and rock group Dire Straits. Fusses over his personal stereo.

9. A Ganesh devotee, he visits Siddhi Vinayak temple in the early hours of the morning.

10. Wears his left pad first, has the tri-color pasted inside his kit bag.

11. Remembers every Test dismissal – especially the bowler who dismissed him.

12. Likes to dunk his glucose biscuits into his tea.

13. Ambidextrous: bats with his right hand, autographs and eats with his left

14. Used to sleep with his cricket gear during his junior days

15. Refused to shoot for a soft drink ad of him smashing cricket balls with a fly swatter. He reportedly told film-maker Prahlad Kakkar, " That would make me greater that the game." The ad was modified: he hit the balls with a stump

16. A fast car fiend who likes to tear down Mumbais roads at 4 am

17. Fell from a tree on Sunday evening during the summer vacation, when Guide was showing on national TV. His infuriated his brother ( and mentor ) Ajit packed him off to cricket coaching class as punishment

18. Came back from the four month tour of Australia after the 1992 World Cup and turned up to play from his college, Kirti College, in April 1992

19. Was without a bat contract during the 1996 world cup where he emerged as the highest run – getter. A famous tire company signed up after that.

20. His coach at Shardashram Ramakant Acherkar used to offer a one rupee coin as price to any bowler who dismissed him. If he remained not out, the coin belonged to Sachin. That he still has a good bunch of those coins tells the story.

21. Fielded for Pakistan as a substitute during a one day practice match against India at Brabourne Stadiumin 1988

22. Was a ball boy during the 1987 world cup semi-finals between India and England at Wankhende

23. The first ad he shot was for sticking plaster

24. In school he was once mistaken for a girl by good friend Atul Ranade because of his long curls

25. Amitabh Bachchan became his biggest hero after watching Deewar and Zanjeer

26. Played tennis – ball cricket and darts during rain breaks

27. Sang and whistled with Vinod Kambli during their 664 run record stand in the Harris shield in 1988 to avoid eye contact with the coach's assistant, who wanted to declare while the duo wanted to bat on.

28. Teammate Praveen Amre brought him his first pair of international quality circket shoes

29. Was a bully at school but was kind to cats and dogs. His first captain, Sunil Harshe, said that he loved to pick a fight. Every time he was introduced to someone. His first reaction was, " Will I be able to beat him? "

30. Used to go fishing for tadpoles and guppy fishes in the stream that ran throught the compound of Sahitya Sahwas, his building in Bandra East

31. Made his mother once look for a frog bhaji recipe

32. The nanny who looked after him is now universally called Sachuchi bai

33. Colony watchman's son Ramesh Pradhe, was his playmate, said sachin would ask him to dip a rubber ball in water and hurl it at him. He wanted to see the wet marks left on the bat to know whether he had middled the ball correctly

34. A prankster, he once put a hose pipe into Sourav Ganguly's room and turned on the tap. Ganguly awoke to find his gear floating. Calls Ganguly Babu Moshai. Sourav cals him Chhota Babu.

35. Great spinner of yarns. If he had a cut on his finger it was because it had been chopped by a helicopter flying low.

2007-03-06T00:37:00.000-08:00

Joke

2007-01-15T02:45:00.001-08:00

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian cookies.

With all his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked
hard with a spatula by his wife.

"GET OUT OF HERE!" she shouted, "THEY'RE FOR THE FUNERAL."

Office Humor

2006-12-14T00:50:00.000-08:00

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note.

About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.

Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to........

Joke

2006-12-13T23:02:00.000-08:00

A lady walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide.

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!

That's against the law! I'll lose my license... They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband having dinner in a restaurant with pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now... You didn't tell me you had a prescription".

The world according to the united states of America

2006-11-16T02:35:00.000-08:00

2006-11-09T03:39:00.000-08:00

What is Effective Communication? ?

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I smoke while I pray?"

But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I Pray while I smoke?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."

Moral : Frame ur question the way you want ur answer.

2006-11-04T07:31:00.000-08:00

2006-10-03T11:06:00.000-07:00

Interesting.

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are
things attorneys actually said in court, word for word, taken down
and now published by court reporters ,who had to suffer from the
torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking
place.

The last one is the best ..

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practising law.

2006-09-26T08:35:00.000-07:00

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..

Up to 60 . "I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, The wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag."

Moral of the Story :

Women are clever!!!

Don't mess with them!!

2006-09-26T03:10:00.000-07:00

A man boards a Jet Airways airplane Delhi to Mumbai and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold,she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he asks "Business trip or vacation?"

She turns, smiles, and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Sexologist's Convention."

He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him, and she's a sexologist!

Struggling to contain his excitement and maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he says, swallowing hard. "What m-m-m-myths are those?"

Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that Negro men are the best endowed when, in fact, it's the Tamilian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the Bengali. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Sardarji."

Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!"

"Venkatraman!" the man blurts. "Venkatraman Mukherjee ! .. But my friends call me Santa Singh!"

2006-09-21T23:23:00.000-07:00

A pretty woman was serving a life sentence in prison. Angry and resentful about her situation, she had decided that she would rather die than to live another year in prison. Over the years she had become good friends with one of the prison caretakers. His job, among others, was to bury those prisoners who died in a graveyard just outside the prison walls. When a prisoner died, the caretaker rang a bell, which was heard by everyone. The caretaker then got the body and put it in a casket. Next, he entered his office to fill out the death certificate before returning to the casket to nail the lid shut. Finally, he put the casket on a wagon to take it to the graveyard and bury it.
Knowing this routine, the woman devised an escape plan and shared it with the caretaker. The next time the bell rang, the woman would leave her cell and sneak into the dark room where the coffins were kept. She would slip into the coffin with the dead body while the caretaker was filling out the death certificate. When the care-taker returned, he would nail the lid shut and take the coffin outside the prison with the woman in the coffin along with the dead body. He would then bury the coffin. The woman knew there would be enough air for her to breathe until later in the evening when the caretaker would return to the graveyard under the cover of darkness, dig up the coffin, open it, and set her free.
The caretaker was reluctant to go along with this plan, but since he and the woman had become good friends over the years, he agreed to do it. The woman waited several weeks before some-one in the prison died. She was asleep in her cell when she heard the death bell ring. She got up, picked the lock of her cell, and slowly walked down the hallway. She was nearly caught a couple of times. Her heart was beating fast. She opened the door to the darkened room where the coffins were kept. Quietly in the dark, she found the coffin that contained the dead body, carefully climbed into the coffin and pulled the lid shut to wait f or the caretaker to come and nail the lid shut.
Soon she heard footsteps and the pounding of the hammer and nails. Even though she was very uncomfortable in the coffin with the dead body, she knew that with each nail she was one step closer to freedom. The coffin was lifted onto the wagon and taken outside to the graveyard. She could feel the coffin being lowered into the ground. She didn't make a sound as the coffin hit the bottom of the grave with a thud. Finally she heard the dirt dropping onto the top of the wooden coffin, and she knew that it was only a matter of time until she would be free at last. After several minutes of absolute silence, she began to laugh. She was free! She was free! Feeling curious, she decided to light a match to find out the identity of the dead prisoner beside her. To her horror, she discovered that she was lying next to the dead caretaker.

Many people believe they have life all figured out..... but sometimes it just doesn't turn out the way they planned it.

psychology test

2006-09-21T23:09:00.000-07:00

psychology A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman
sitting alone. After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, "Er...

excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you?"

She responds in a loud voice:

"NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised,

shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.

After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes,

and says, "You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how

people respond to embarrassing situations."

The young man responds loudly with,

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS.

Computers in Real Life

2006-09-20T22:53:00.000-07:00

1) 5 minutes ago you were traveling to office at 80 mph in your brand
new car. Now you are traveling to hospital at double the speed in an
ambulance. You wish there was UNDO in life!

2) You are already late, and your key is missing, You wish there was
FIND TOOL in life!

3) You are a bankrupt, after investing in some weird business, You wish
there was REBUILD ALL in life!

4) The train is so crowded that you cannot get anywhere near that nice
girl at the other end, You wish there was ZOOM AND VIEW FULL SCREEN in
life!

5) One day you realize that you are turning bald, You wish there was
CUT & PASTE in life..

And the best one is:

6) After marriage you realize that there is bound to be a mismatch,
You wish there was an EVALUATION PERIOD or at least a SAMPLE DOWNLOAD
or a DEMO VERSION!

Smart Old Geyser!

2006-09-20T22:51:00.000-07:00

An old white-haired man walks into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000, " the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account!"

"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had!"

Don't mess with Old People!

2006-09-20T11:40:00.000-07:00

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?".

2006-09-18T10:32:00.000-07:00

He was 80, she was 20. It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying: "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The same nurse said: "You are truly amazing. How do you do it?"

Again he said: "You've got the keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse then said: "Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man!"

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said: "Well, you better change the oil. This one's black."

World map on a cow

2006-09-12T09:20:00.000-07:00

2006-09-07T03:48:00.000-07:00

Amazing but true.... how you get undressed reveals your personality .......!!

1) If you throw your clothes all over the place, you are a friendly, life-of-the-party type. You are free with your thoughts and opinions, not caring much about what others think of you. Your parents might think your room looks like a cyclone hit it? but it actually represents your happy, individualistic nature!

2) If you remove each piece of clothing and put it away carefully, you are a serious person who likes her life to be very calm. You are comfortable with routine, and you believe that the best way to deal with life's problems is to prevent them in the first place. You are a perfectionist. By nature you are quite shy. You are observant and you know more about some people than they think, just because because you've watched them. You are dependable and sometimes intense. You think carefully before making decisions. You go about your tasks methodically, with concentration. You know how to pay attention.

3) If you take off the shirt, and ten minutes later get around to the pants, you are an extremely self-confident person. You are naturally bright and intellectual. You are also a deep thinker who loves to ask questions and ponder the meaning of things. You hate being rushed and you do not like to be hassled. Usually you like a lot of free time for yourself.

4) If you get out of your clothes as quickly as possible, you are concerned about others and what they expect from you, but you're worried about your own needs. You are family-oriented, and stay extremely busy. You often feel stressed, but most of those heavy expectations come from your own head! Give yourself a break; you don't have to be perfect.

5) If you take off your rings, earrings, necklace, watch, et cetera before anything else, you are a warm and sensitive person. You are considerate and thoughtful, and you give good advice to your friends. You are a natural born romantic.

6) If you don't have an undressing routine and you never do it the same way twice, you are a very curious and interesting person. You enjoy a broad range of activities. You take risks and enjoy fun and adventure. You are very social.

Best Courtroom Retort Ever

2006-09-07T03:12:00.000-07:00

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer - did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer - who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir - we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

2006-09-02T11:40:00.000-07:00

HERE ARE SOME FANTASTIC TICKLERS

Teacher :What happened in 1869?
Student:Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher :What happened in 1873?
Student:Gandhiji was four years old.

Question:What is the fullform of maths.
Answer: Mentally affected teachers harassing students

Teacher : Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him

then what virtue would I be showing ?
Student : BROTHERLY LOVE

Teacher :Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend
it.
Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher :Why?
Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!

Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?"
Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same
time."

Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny:As old as I am.
Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only after I was born.

Teacher:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then,what

is my age?
STUDENT:32 yrs.
Teacher:How do you know?
STUDENT:Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.

Teacher: Where does God live?
Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says,
'God,
are you still in there?'

Teacher:"What is your name?".
Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher:"When I ask a question in English, answer it in English."
Student:"My name is Sunlight."

2006-08-30T22:51:00.000-07:00

Work place shayaris

From Employee point of View

Arz kiya hai..............

Promotion hote hain .. Dissappointment ka Sama hota hai...

Aise mausam mein hi to Attrition jawan hota hai.

Dil ki khunnas Employees jabaan se nahi kehte...

Ye fasana to papers dalke bayan hota hai...

(Wah wah ... wah wah)

From Management point of view:

Arz kiya hai..............

Transactions bante hain ... Errors ka Sama hota hai...

Aise mausam mein hi to PERFORMANCE jawan hota hai.

Dil ki khunnas BOSS jabaan se nahi kehte...

Ye fasana to appraisal mein bayan hota hai...

(wah wah ... wah wah)

Ceiling Poster in Smoking Zone

2006-08-29T06:23:00.000-07:00

2006-08-24T12:42:00.000-07:00

Two voices; male and female; seated on a plane

“I think everyone’s asleep; lets go”

Sound of steps.

“This one’s empty … no one’s looking … you go in first”

“It a bit cramped - let me sit down”

“Have you got the condom?

“Quick, put it on”

Sniff sniff

“Ah perfume - you think of everything”

“This is great…..” (long sigh)

Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.

“This is the captain speaking to those two people in the rear toilet.

We know what you’re doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.

Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!”

Excellent Poems found on toiled doors and walls.

2006-08-20T22:15:00.000-07:00

Excellent poems by not so famous poets...
found on toilet doors and walls...

A budding poet trying his best...

Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this...

Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted

Someone who had a different experience wrote

You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!

Perhaps it's true that people find inspiration in toilets.

I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.

There are also people who come in for a different purpose...

Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...

Toilets walls also double as job advertisement space...

(written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line, the
Singapore Fire
Department wants you.

Ministry of Environment advertisement.

We aim to please!
You aim too! Please

On the inside of a toilet door:

Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the
entire performance.

And finally my favourite, this should teach some a lesson...
Sign seen at a restaurant:

The hands that clean these toilets also make your
food...please aim properly.

Technorati Tags: fun, jokes, poems, toilet

SMS Collection

2006-08-20T21:58:00.000-07:00

The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me
a ring?"
Sure" replied her lover "What's your phone number?"

A young woman went into a bank to withdraw some money. "Can you
identify yourself?" asked the bank clerk. The young woman opened her
handbag, took out a mirror, looked into it and said, "Yes, it's me
alright."

A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked,
"Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"
"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!"
"Oh! How nice it would be ," said the patient with joy, "I have been
illiterate for so long."

"I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor."
"Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss
to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?"
"Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over."

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager
kissing his secretary. He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

The wife phoned her husband in the office and said, "Darling, come
home early, we are going to have my mother for dinner."
"Good" replied the husband, "make sure she's well done."

Technorati Tags: SMS ,jokes

Arab Suicide Bombers explained

2006-08-17T10:28:00.000-07:00

Everyone wonders why Islamist terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let’s see now:

No beer, no bars, no radio, no television, no Playboy or Penthouse.

No rugby, no football, no basketball, no baseball, no golf, no dancing, no music.

No bikinis on the beach, no nude beaches, no summer mini skirts and bra-less beauties.

No BBQ pork, no ham, no bacon, no hot-dogs, no burgers, no lobster, no shellfish or even frozen seafood sticks. No Christmas.

Rags for clothes and dish towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next door because he’s sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

You can’t shave. Your wife can’t shave. You can’t even shave your wife.

Sand is everywhere. Sand gets into everything. You wipe your backside with your left hand without toilet paper and if they catch you stealing they chop off your good hand and you must eat with your shi * ty hand.

You can’t shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel Dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your camel, but your camel has a better disposition.

Then your leaders tell you that when you die, you get 27 virgins and it all gets better!

So……….. Nope……. No mystery here!!!

Business is Business

2006-08-11T04:28:00.000-07:00

One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct.

"Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not Right either.

Finally, a Marwadi boy raised his hand and said, it was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Rahul, come up here and I'll give you the $20."

As the teacher was giving Rahul his money, she said, "You know Rahul, since you're Marwadi; I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Rahul replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!"

Engineering Vs Management --- old one

2006-08-11T04:04:00.000-07:00

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.

She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and
shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him
an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately
30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude
and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am", replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is
I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything
you've delayed my trip even more."

The man below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made
a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath
you to solve your problems."

For Engineers

2006-08-07T10:22:00.000-07:00

A boy goes to shop and buys a big book.
He takes the book to a medical student and asks him
how much time will he take to finish reading the
book.
The Medical guy says it will take him a minimum of 6
months
Then he goes to a law student and asks the same
question. He says a minimum of 3 months
Then he goes to an engineer
How much time will you take to finish the book???
The engineer says............
..
..
..
..

.
..
..
..
..
..

..
..
EXAM KAB HAI !!!

2006-08-07T10:21:00.000-07:00

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on
display.

While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the
shopkeeper,

"I'll have a C monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and
took out a monkey.

He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that'll
be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,

"That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered,

"Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well
worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even
more expensive! $10,000!

What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey;

it can manage object- oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java.

All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey
in a cage of its own.

The price tag around its neck read $50,000.

He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other
put together! What on earth does it do?" T he shopkeeper replied,
"Well, I haven't actually seen it doing anything, but the other
monkeys call him the project manager."

Sign on German Street

2006-08-07T09:38:00.000-07:00

2006-08-06T10:28:00.000-07:00

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer’s file and called him into his office.

“Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you’re ready to go home. I’m only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck.”

“Oh, he didn’t kill himself,” Mr. Haroldson replied. “I hung him up to dry.”

Fool Your Wife

2006-08-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some vegetables. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing lead to another and they end up in her apartment. After a while, he realizes its 3 PM and says, “Oh no, its so late, my wife’s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?” She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry.

“Where the hell have you been?” “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another.”

“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!” She sees his hands are covered with powder and says…”You God damn liar!!! You were playing billiards again!!!”

Moral of the story:

Always tell your wife the truth. She won’t believe you anyway. At least your conscience is clear & learn how to play billiards…before marriage.

High Tech Joke

2006-08-06T10:17:00.000-07:00

DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?” Junior asks his dad, His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, “Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!”

“Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button.”

“Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted
in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:
.
.
.
.
.
.
You’ve Got Male’!”

Look at the Answer

2006-08-03T11:13:00.000-07:00

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the engine of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage,” Hello Doctor! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered something to the mechanic.....

Guess What He Said????.
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

"Try to do it when the engine is running".

(18++) Santa - Banta

2006-08-02T08:48:00.000-07:00

Doctor: I've got good news and I've got bad news. The bad news is you're
showing signs of being a homosexual.
Banta: With bad news like that, what could be the good news?
Doc: The good news is I think you're cute.

. Preeto: I have to be damned careful not to get pregnant"
Jeeto: I thought your husband had a vasectomy
Preeto replies: He did!

. Call Girl: Wanna have sex?
Santa: Haan, lekin tum meri biwi ki tarah karogi toh
Call Girl: Vo kaise?
Santa: Free mein

. Pappu: Papa jab aap Honeymoon pe gaye the tab mein kahan tha?
Santa: Putar, jaate waqt tu mere paas tha aur aatey waqt mammi ke paas.

. In UK, Santa & Banta saw a poster at a Police station: Two White men
wanted for Rape.
Santa: These bloody goraas always get the best jobs

. One night Jeeto's boyfriend asked her: Darling, r u free tonight?
Jeeto shouted & said: Asshole, have I ever charged u before?

. Santa, unable to satisfy his wife, took Banta's advice.
While having sex, he asked her: Do u feel any change?
Jeeto: Yes, today u r doing it like Banta

. Santa rape karan di koshish karda hai. Kudi: Tere rape karan to pehla mein
mar javangi.
Santa: Aho mar jayin par kise garib de kam na aayin

. Santa di saali: Jijaji 500 Rs deo agley haftey dawangi.
Santa: Tu 1500 le, magar hune de

. Santa: Yaar tujhe bus mein thapad kyun pada?
Banta: Pata nahin yaar, meri photo neeche gir gayee thi, maine kaha behen ji
zara saadi upar karna photo leni hai

. On the wedding night Santa says: Bataao Hairan karoon ya Pareshan?
Jeeto: Dono.
He shows his tiny 1inch penis & says: Kyun hairani hui?
Jeeto: Ji Hui.
Hubby: Ab pareshan karoon?
Jeeto: Ji.
Santa: Yeh erect hai!

. Santa: Mein tumhare liye churiyan laya hoon.
Maid: Aap hi pehna dijiye.
Santa: Mujhe tumhara response pehle pata hota to mein panty lekar aata.

. Santa travelling in Virgin Atlantic asked 4 milk. Air hostess put her
nipple in his mouth.
Santa: Changa hoya paani nahi mangya. (Thank god ! I did not ask for water)

. Santa: Will u marry me?
Gal: I'm a lesbian.
Santa: Lesbian?
Gal: I like to hv sex with girls.
Santa: Lai, phir to I'm also a LESBIAN

. After 3 hrs of sex Santa said to his galfriend: U r not going to see me
for a while.
Gal: R u going away?
Santa: No..No... Now turn around

. Santa and Banta were watching bungee jumping.
Santa: Wanna try it?
Banta: No way. I was born because of broken rubber & I don't wanna die
because of it.

. Banta walked up to a girl at the bar n said: Can I buy u a drink?
Girl: Do u like sex?
Banta: Of course.
Girl: Do u like to travel?
Banta: Yeah, I luv to travel.
Girl: Then fuck off

. Santa ko susu karta dekh ladki rasta badal kar jaane lagi to Santa bola: O
madam, ghabrao mat, tum jisse dar rahi ho usko maine pakad kar rakha hai...!

. Why did English teacher slap Santa?
Because Santa asked her: Y is Bra is singular when it covers 2 & Panties
plural when it covers only one?

. Pappu was masturbatin in front of girl's hostel, lukin at his galfriend.
His friend asked: What r u doin? Pappu: Fuckin my galfriend via Blue Tooth

. Prostitute: Hi, want to have sex?
Santa: Ok. Only if you do it like my wife does.
Prostitute: I can do it in any way. So how does she do it?
Man: She does it for free.

. Jeeto: Oh zara dheere karo, kyon Shatabdi chala rahe ho, Maalgadi chalaao.
Itne mein Pappu bed se gira aur bola jo marzi chalaao par sawaari ko to mat
giraao

. What's the difference between a person who is committing suicide & a
virgin? One is trying to die... the other is dying to try

. Teacher: Explain Responsibility?
Pappu: Madam ur blouse has 4 buttons, if 3 buttons break down the entire
responsibility'll b on the 4th one

. Jeeto goes 2 repair umbrella. The man said: Upar ka kapda nikalna padega,
Neeche se danda dalna padega.
Jeeto: Kuch bhi karo but pani andar nahi ana chaiye

. Banta: Y is reading a Playboy mag like reading National Geographic?
Santa: Coz in both u'll get to see a lot of gr8 places, which u'll never get
to visit.

. A female Press Reporter slaps Santa. Banta standing near asks Santa: Y did
she slap u?
Santa: On her T-shirt was written 'Press', so I just pressed.

. Santa was asked to give a talk on Sex
He walked to the podium, adjusted the microphone & said: Ladies n Gentlemen,
it gives me gr8 pleasure...
And sat back down

. Preeto: Suno ji, aaj phir billi dudh pi gayee.
Santa: Main tainu kinni vaari keha hai ki apne blouse de button band karke
soya kar.

. Santa: Yaar meri biwi pani se bahut darti hai.
Banta: Achaa, wo kaise?
Santa: Kal mein jab ghar gaya to wo bath tub mai bhi security guard ke saath
baithi thi

. Santa runing after a bus n, catches it n asks the Driver: Ye bus teri Ma
lagti hai?
Nahin.
To kya Behan lagti hai?
Nahin.
To phir chadne kyun nahin deta?

. Santa was fondling a lady in a crowded bus.
Lady: Excuse me, aap achha nahi kar rahe hain!
Santa: Itni bheed mein is se achha nahi ho sakta.

. Santa and banta were caught raping a girl. They were called for
identification parade. When the girl arrives, both Santa and Banta shout
together: Yahi thee, Yahi thee"

. Q: What is the best family planning slogan on a municipal bus?
A: Kripaya aage se nahin peeche se chadhiye.

. Santa was pissing when a gal saw his huge penis & said naughtily: Wow I
wud luv to have that.
Santa: Go & get a cup, I'm about to finish.

. Judge: Y do u want divorce?
Banta: She doesn't satisfy me in bed!
Preeto: Tu aithey dc lagyan? Sari colony khush aa, ik teri agg nahin bhujdi.

. Teacher: What do you call a man that doesn't use contraceptives?
Pappu: Daddy.

. A man is doing push ups on the beach. Drunk Santa sees him and starts
laughing loudly and says:
Sorry to tell you but the women below you has already left.

. Judge: U want to divorce Santa 4 threatening u with a deadly weapon?
Jeeto: No, ur honor. I'm divorcing him 4 threatening me every night with a
dead weapon.

. Jeeto: Kal ek aadmi aya aur mere sath sex karke chala gaya.
Santa: Tumne use roka nahi?
Jeeto: Bahut kaha rukne ke liye, bola kal phir aaunga.

. Santa was sukin girlfriend's breasts.
Gal got excited n said: Tussi hor kuch chahney ho?
Santa: Doodh naal biscuit milangey?

. Doctor: You look terribly weak & exhausted! R u having ur meals three
times a day as I advised?
Santa's wife: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.

. Jeeto was going to Chandigarh for vacations. At the time of packing Santa
thinks: Kitni bholi hai, main saath nahin jaa raha phir bhi condom saath le
jaa rahi hai.

. Pappu meets Santa on stairs of a KOTHA.
Pappu: Papa aap yahan kya kar rahe ho?
Santa: Yaar ab 200-300 rupaye ke peeche teri mummy ke nakhre nahi sahe
jaate!

. In interview, Santa was asked: Who's Monica Seles? A tennis player.
Ok, who's Monica Lewinski?
Penis player.

. Banta to his wife, Preeto: Dear, you are the best woman in the world.
Yesterday I got convinced of this once again.

. Santa: Main ghar jaate hi biwi ki panty utar dunga.
Banta: Yaar tu to bahut mood mein lag raha hai.
Santa: Nahi yaar mujhe bahut tight ho rahi hai.

. Santa: If I sleep with your best friend what will be the first thought to
cross your mind?
Wife: That you are a homosexual.

. Pappu: Papa, aap papa kaise bane?
Santa: Oye puttar, pa pa key!

. Pappu: What's the difference between Confidence and Confidential?
Santa: U are my son I'm Confident. Ur friend is also my son, that's
Confidential.

. Pappu: Dad what's the diff between luv, belief & relief.
Santa: Ur Mom is my luv, ur maid is my relief & I'm your Dad - well, that's
my belief.

. Three men discussing wives. 1st says my wife is very cold. 2nd says mine
is very hot.
Santa: I'm confused. I think shes is cold but people say she's hot.

. Santa: Murge kaise diye?
Vendor: Rs 50, Rs 40 n Rs 10
Santa: Rs 10, itna sasta kyon?
Sir ise AIDS hai.
Santa: De do mujhe khana hai ga#d thodi marni hai!

. A man phoned & asked: Hello, is it 221714?
Jeeto: Hindi me bolo.
Man:Do-Do-Ek-Sat Choda?
Jeeto: Nahi Sir, Teen-Teen-Ek-Sat Choda, 331714.

. Santa standing in balcony without shirt.
Banta, "Wah Santa ji kya chest hai.
Santa, "Eh tan kuch nahi andar ja ke apni bharjai di dekh.

. In a party, a lady wanted to go to toilet. She said to Santa: Susu karne
ki jagah dikhaao.
Santa: U naughty girl, pehle tum dikhaao.

. I'm organising group sex at my home. Will u join?
Santa: Yes, yes. How many people r there?
Banta: Just three. Me, u n ur wife.

. Pappu sees his parents having sex.
Pappu: Papa, kya kar rahe ho?
Santa: Petrol bhar raha hoon.
Pappu: Avg check karaao, abhi to Banta uncle dal kar gaye hain.

. How does a vagina luk before sex?
Like a pink rose with soft petals & great aroma.
And after sex?
Have u ever seen Santa's face after he drinks lassi?

. During sex Jeeto asks repeatedly: Do u luv me, do u really love me?
Irritated Santa: What the hell do u think, I am doing pushups?

. Santa: My 8yr old son is very naughty, he has made my maid servant
pregnant.
Confused Banta: How the hell?
Santa: He took a pin & punctured all my condoms.

. Banta: What four letter word starts with F and ends with K and if a man
can't get it he uses his hands?
Santa: Fork

. Santa: Oye Banta don't marry that girl, she is like a TAXI.
Banta: Choti si to city hai yaar... kitni chali hogi?

. Santa touched Jeeto's boobs and sung: Piyo glass full doodh, wonderful
doodh.
Jeeto touched his penis and said: Thanda matlab CHOTA COKE!

. Jeeto was about to give birth to a baby.
Santa: If it looks like u, it would be great.
Jeeto: If it looks like u, it would be a miracle.

. Banta to a Doctor : I have diarrhoea & it wont go away.
Doctor: Did you try using a lemon?
Banta: Yes I did. When I remove it, it starts again.

. Banta: Did u hv a chance 2 sleep with my wife?
Santa: What r u saying? I'd never even think abt such thing.
Banta: U might want 2. She's much better then urs.

A for APPLE

2006-08-02T05:58:00.000-07:00

A for apple.
B for bada apple.
C for chhota apple.
D for dusra apple.
E for ek aur apple.
F for fokat ka apple.
G for gol apple.
H for hazar apple
I for itney saarey apple?
J for jaao nahi khaana hai apple
K for kaise nahi khaayengey apple
L for lena padhega tumko apple
M for mujhe nahi chahiye itne apple
N for naa nahi kehtey kyunkey yeh hai apple
O for Oh to tumne khaa daale yeh saare apple
P for peth bhar Ke khaao apple
Q for qismat mein nahi hoti hai sabke, yeh apple
R for roz agar khaao tum apple
S for sehetmand rahoge khaaogey agar tum apple
T for tumko nahi milengey itney achey apple
U for udhaar kii nahi hai yeh apple
V for very tasty hai yeh apple
W for waste na karo time aur khaalo jaldi se apple
X for X'mas mei bhii khane padenge apple
Y for youn na chehra phero dekhkey apple
Z for zaroor dil bhar gaya hoga khake itne apple

smart sard

2006-08-02T05:22:00.000-07:00

There was a meeting of all the Sardar freedom fighters. They were planning for a free Punjab. Santa Singh raised a point, "Oh...we'll take Punjab from India but how would we develop it?" That was a tough one indeed. Banta Singh had a brainwave...

"No problem! We'll attack Amrika, it would take over us and then we would become a State of USA and develop automatically." All the surds became happy with this very simple solution but an old surd was not. Someone asked him why he wasn't happy.

The old surd replied, "THAT'S ALL VERY WELL... WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF BY CHANCE WE TOOK OVER AMRIKA???"

ALL YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT LABANON

2006-08-01T12:18:00.000-07:00

1. Lebanon has 18 religious communities

2. It has 40 daily newspapers

3. It has 42 universities

4. It has over 100 banks (that is banks and not branches of a bank)

5. 70% of the students are in private schools

6. 40% of the Lebanese people are Christians (this is the highest percent all the Arab
countries)

7. There's 1 doctor per 10 people in Lebanon (In Europe & America, there's 1 doctor per
100 people)

8. The name LEBANON appears 75 times in the Old Testament

9. The name CEDAR (Lebanon's tree) appears 75 times too in the Old Testament!!

10. Beirut was destroyed and rebuilt 7 times (this is why it's compared to The Phoenix).

11. There are 3.5 Million Lebanese in Lebanon

12. There are around 10 Million Lebanese outside Lebanon!

**********************************************************************************************************
**********************************************************************************************************

OTHER INTERESTING FACTS

1. Lebanon, the country, was occupied by over 16 countries:
Egyptians-Hittites-Assyrians- Babylonians- Persians- Alexander the greats Army- the
Roman Empire Byzantine- the Arabian Peninsula-The Crusaders- the Ottoman Empire-
Britain-France- Israel- Syria.

2. Byblos (city in Lebanon) is the oldest, continuously living city in the world.

3. Lebanon's name has been around for 4,000 yrs non- stop (it's the oldest country/
nation's name in the world!)

4. Lebanon is the only Asian/African country that doesn't have a desert.

5. There are 15 rivers in Lebanon (all of them coming from its own mountains)

6. Lebanon is one of the most populated countries in its archeological sites, in the
world!!!

7. The first alphabet was created in Byblos (city in Lebanon)

8. The only remaining temple of Jupiter (the main Roman god) is in Baalbeck, Lebanon
(The City of the Sun)

9. The name of BYBLOS comes from the BIBLE!!!

10. Lebanon is the country that has the most books written about it.

11. Lebanon is a non-dictatorial country

12. According to Christianity Jesus Christ made his 1st miracle in Lebanon, in Sidon
(The miracle of Turning water into wine).

13. The Phoenicians (Original People of Lebanon) built the 1st boat, and they were the
first to sail ever!

14. Phoenicians also reached America long before Christopher Columbus did.

15. The 1st law school in the world was built in Lebanon, in Downtown Beirut.

Who wants to share my corn flakes ???

2006-08-01T09:05:00.000-07:00

Leave application

2006-07-29T00:11:00.000-07:00

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India...

1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:

Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.

2. This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days."

3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:

"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

4. From H.A.L. Administration dept:

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

6. An incident of a leave letter

"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

7. A leave letter to the headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

9. Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

10. Another one:

"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

11. Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

12. Letter writing: -

"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

13. A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Test

2006-07-28T04:33:00.000-07:00

ONE NIGHT 4 MBA STUDENTS WERE BOOZING TILL LATE NIGHT AND DIDN'T STUDY

FOR THE TEST WHICH WAS SCHEDULED FOR THE NEXT DAY.

IN THE MORNING THEY THOUGHT OF A PLAN. THEY MADE THEMSELVES LOOK AS
DIRTY AND WEIRD AS THEY COULD WITH GREASE AND DIRT.
THEY THEN WENT UP TO THE DEAN AND SAID THAT THEY HAD GONE OUT TO A
WEDDING LAST NIGHT AND ON THEIR RETURN THE TYRE OF THEIR CAR BURST AND THEY HAD
TO PUSH THE CAR ALL THE WAY BACK AND THAT THEY WERE IN NO CONDITION TO
APPEAR FOR THE TEST.

THEN DEAN WAS A JUST PERSON SO HE SAID THAT YOU CAN HAVE THE RETEST AFTER 3 DAYS.

THEY SAID THEY WILL BE READY BY THAT TIME. ON THE THIRD DAY THEY APPEARED
BEFORE THE DEAN. THE DEAN SAID THAT THIS WAS A SPECIAL CONDITION TEST.

ALL FOUR WERE REQUIRED TO SIT IN SEPARATE CLASSROOMS FOR THE TEST. THEY
ALL AGREED AS THEY HAD PREPARED WELL IN THE LAST THREE DAYS. THE TEST CONSISTED OF 2 QUESTIONS WITH TOTAL OF 100 MARKS.

Q.1. WRITE DOWN YOUR NAME -----(2 MARKS)

Q.2. WHICH TYRE BURST -------(98 MARKS)!!

Height of Communication GAP…

2006-07-27T05:54:00.000-07:00

Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around
his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're
going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we
find out for
sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call from AEC
(Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill has
not been paid. " Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma ? " "Yes......
speaking"

AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young
woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy .

"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"

"Yes ........... We have a
system of finding out who's overdue "

"GOD !!!!!!......... this is too
much.........."

"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform
you are overdue"

"I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this
tonight. ..... he will speak to your company tomorrow "

That night, she tells her husband about the visit,and he, mad as a
bull,
rushes to AEC office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month
overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's
nothing serious. All
you have to do is pay us.."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

2006-07-26T03:20:00.000-07:00

Sardar Detectives

2006-07-26T01:49:00.000-07:00

A policeman was testing 3 Singh brothers who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first Singh a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first Singh answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second Singh and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second Singh smiles and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer
you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third Singh and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The Singh looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and
I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the Singh replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he
only has one eye and one ear."

2006-07-25T04:54:00.000-07:00

A junior Software engineer, a senior Software engineer and their PM are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each".

So the eager Junior Software engineer shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries."Pfufffff, and he was gone.

Now the Senior Software engineer could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails."Pfufffff, and he was also gone.

The PM calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 1.30pm"

Moral of the story is: Always allow the bosses to speak first"

2006-07-23T22:19:00.000-07:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

If Bollywood Film star work for call centers........ Imagine the calls.

2006-07-22T09:54:00.000-07:00

Amitabh: Thank you for calling customer care... rishte mein to hum tumhare baap lagate hian filhaal ek customer care rep hain...

Customer: (angrily) I NEED YOUR MANAGER
Amitabh: Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere baap ko chor kaha tha.. Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne meri maa ko gaali dekar naukri se nikaal diya tha.. Jaao pehle uske manager ko laao jisne mere haath pe yeh likh diya tha... uske baad uske baad mere bhai.. Tum jis manager ko kahoge main laaonga.

.

Dharmendra: Thank you for calliiiiingg..
Customer: I need help
Dharmendra: main aaraahoon maa.......
Customer: I am unable to use your product... its waste and worthless
Dharmendra: Kutte mein tera khoon peejaaonga..
Customer: What!!! I need your manager
Dharmendra: (To his manager) Manager is customer ke saamne nahi naachna

Shatru : Aaaaaiiin Kis ullllu ke patthe ne call kiya hai...
Customer : How dare you speak like that
Shatru : Khaaaamoshhhhh... seedhi tarah bolde issue kya hai warna... haaaaaaaaa!!!

Asrani: hahhaaaaaaa naya kabutar ne call kiya
Customer: I lost my invoice
Asrani : Hahhaaaaaaaa hamare jasoos kone kone mein phaile hue hain miljayegi hum angrezon ke zamaane ke rep hain..haahhaaa

Kestu Mukherji: Iiiiiihhhhye....
Customer: hi
Kestu Mukherji : iiiihhhyeee tumko ....tumko kya problem hai
Customer : I have not received my product
Kestu Mukherji : To saale (hicup) main kya karoon.. Police mien report likha...

Bindu: Shabnam naam hai mera... pyar se log shabbo bolte hain..bolo main tumhare kis kaam aasakti hoon.

Shakti: AAAuuuuuu...mera naam hai balllllllllma. Thank you for calling aaauuuuu
Customer: I need your manager
Shakti: Mujhse baat karona.. Main ek chhota sa, nanha sa, pyarasa...rep hooon..

Mehmood: Ayyo Dyevi ... thank youji for calling ji.. Ayyo
Customer : I am not devi
Mehmood : Ayyo muruga... ye dyevi nai ji ... ye to dyeva hai...

Ajit: Saara shehar mujhe Lion ke naam se jaanta hai..... May I know your name please
Customer : Mona
Ajit: Mona darling... tumne hamein call kyun kiya
Customer : (Angrily) I WANT YOUR MANAGER
Ajit: Mona dear.. Agar hum tumhe hamara manager dedenge to hamein manage kaun karega....

Gabbar : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ....Jo dargaya wo maraga... batao tumhen kya chahiye
Customer : I want to buy a product from your company
Gabbar: Kitne paise hai re
Customer : $ 10.00
Gabbar: Suvvar Ke baccho ... sirf... $10.00...dhikkaar hai

Prem Chopra: Prem...Prem naam hai mera.. Prem chopra...
Customer : I lost my invoice I need one
Prem Chopra: Kar bhalaa to ho bhalaa..jaa apni invoice khud dhoondle

Rajkumar : Jaani ..... Tumhara ye call bahut keemti hai.. Ise cut mat karna
Customer: I lost my invoice
Rajkumar: Jaani... ye invoice hai.. Bacchon ke khelne ki cheez nahi
Customer : shut up.. I need my invoice sent to me in 10 minutes... otherwise I will speak to your manager
Rajkumar : Dhamki kisi aur ko jaakar dena... manager humko darasake manager mein itna dum nahi... humse hai manager... manager se hum nahi...
And at last ..................

Sharukh: Thank you for kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Customer hung up the phone..

2006-07-21T19:47:00.000-07:00

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track?
'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on."
She shrugs and walks away.
Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."

Only in America

2006-07-21T04:45:00.000-07:00

Only in America...
can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...
are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...
do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...
do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...
do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Little Johnny's Big Story

2006-07-20T05:50:00.001-07:00

Unusual Funeral

2006-07-20T02:55:00.000-07:00

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most
unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one
about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man
walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in
single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss,
and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral
like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?

" The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife. " What happened
to her? " !

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her. "

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin? "

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog attacked and killed her also. "

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first
one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog? "

The man replied "Join the queue."

Software Programmers Expressions

2006-07-19T23:41:00.000-07:00

Newtons laws of Engineers

2006-07-19T23:09:00.000-07:00

Law -1.

Every Engineer continues his state of chatting or forwarding mails unless he is assigned work by external unbalanced manager.

Law -2.

The rate of change in the Work is directly proportional to the payment received from client and takes place at the quick rate when deadline force is applied.

Law -3.

For every appraisal there is an equal but opposite Work Implementation.

Bonus Law -4.

Mistakes can neither be created nor be removed from drawings by an engineer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of mistakes in the drawing always remains constant.

Technorati Tags: Newton, Laws, Engineer, Work, Humor

Psalm 23

2006-07-18T23:25:00.000-07:00

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn’t want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbour, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn’t notice her.

Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcie, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy’s little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally he said to Timmy, “Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?”

Timmy nonchalantly replied, “Yeah, I know who she is.”

The friend said, “Well, who is she?”

“That’s just Shirley Goodnest,” Timmy replied, “and her daughter Marcy.”

“Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?”

“Well,” Timmy explained, “every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, ‘cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ‘Shirley Goodnest and Marcie shall follow me all the days of my life’,” so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!